Phobic: Fear no. 2 - The fear of falling in love

I have done it. I have taken the fall. I have been dared to, and even fully aware that there wouldn't really be anyone to catch me, I exercised my free will and chose to be human. And the fall? Painful but worth it. 

I have found that for everything that it can ever mean to anyone, love is still love. It should, therefore be, always a positive thing. It empowers, it brings joy, it ever gives, it builds, it links, it allows one to grow and fulfill the potential to be a powerful agent of change in the known universe. I have found that this is only possible when I express it and allow it the freedom, and in effect, the power to change me for the better. Yes, I was hurt for a number of reasons; failed expectations most of all. But at least, when I do not hold back, I hurt but I also get to grow. Whereas when I repress it, I get hurt too mostly because of suffocation. I do not want to lose by holding back, and making an enemy out of what could be an enriching and life-changing experience. 

I have found that to learn to really open my heart, I have to just let myself feel. To immerse myself in feeling is to get to know the depths of my own heart. It is also to discover for myself the things that I am willing to do in the face of great emotions; to know to what extent I can allow my heart to decide for me. In spite of all the internal drama, the lesson was simple enough. I can feel all I want to feel. However, it does not mean that I have to act on every feeling. But act I must, so I drew on my deeply held values and beliefs and let myself be guided by the very things that define who I am and what I want to be. 

I have found that love is many things but it never rejoices in the wrong. It has challenged me to remain true to myself and my sense of self-respect; forcing me to strive for that which is truly worthy, and not just be content with what feels good at the moment.

 

So I dared to fall. I did not find a fairytale. I found a love that waits, and a heart that is strong and willing to walk away because it is the right thing to do.

A beautiful part of life has finally happened to me. I am now a proud owner of a romantically bruised heart. I now have my own share of romantic scars, and a corresponding story to tell. I now know what sparks mean. And I now have a more expectant heart - one which will always be afraid but so looks forward to taking yet another fall. That is, until the hands that were meant to do the "catching" have at last found the one meant to fall into those capable, waiting arms - only me. :)

Source: http://lovetexts.tumblr.com/post/5496148968

Love is a Ferris Wheel Ride

"Don't be scared, its only love that we're falling in..." - Falling In/ Lifehouse

Finally, alam ko na kung bakit "falling in love" kahit na having that feeling is really a choice you make. Kasi parang pagsakay lang din pala yun sa Ferris Wheel...

a. You are forced to face your fears.
You literally have to face that scary feeling of falling; that part in the ride where gravity pulls you down at a great speed, before you can appreciate na that exactly is the reason why the ride is exciting and fun. I have found that in love, RISK is a very important thing. You have to muster the courage to address your fears and ACT, otherwise baka puro "what if" na lang ang istorya ng buhay mo. I have learned na the only way to know if you'll survive something is to get in there and live out that Nike slogan- "JUST DO IT!"

b. You have to teach your self to let go, otherwise you won't enjoy the ride.You can laugh, cry, scream, bahala ka. Ang mahalaga, you express yourself. You accept that you are scared and that in spite of it, you let go. You allow yourself to relax. Otherwise, every time you approach that crucial turn in the ride, lagi ka na lang magpi-freeze up. Hindi mo mae-enjoy yung hampas ng hangin sa mukha mo, yung magandang view pagdating sa tuktok, or na cute pala yung katabi mo. Sayang yung moment! :)

Same pag nagmamahal ka, uso sa atin yung mag daydream and imagine ourselves in conversation or in perfect moments with people we like or love. Pero bihira sa atin yung talagang gumagawa ng opportunity to make such moments happen. Nakakatakot kasi eh. Nagpi-freeze up tayo pag andiyan na yung tao. Tapos sasabayan pa ng pride natin na kesyo baka mapahiya tayo. Kaya we get to miss so much. Ako mismo, guilty ako nyan. Shet. Pero, yes, it is one of the things we have to be aware of and do something about - to express our love, and make moments happen with people we love.

c. Enjoy the ride  while it lasts.While you are taking your time to be afraid, stuck in that frozen position,
the Ferris Wheel will continue turning. Hindi siya basta-basta hihinto para lang sa yo kahit pa umiyak ka, unless aatakihin ka na sa puso. And then, and then, just when nagsisimula ka nang mag-enjoy, ayun, tapos na ang ride. Kailangan mo nang bumaba.

Yes, it is really hard to just "enjoy the moment" especially when every good moment is also a possible source of heartbreak. Kaso, all things end eventually. Nagbabago din ang mga damdamin, either for better or for worse. In the end, we all die. Everything fades. So para saan pang we insist to take ourselves seriously eh sa huli natatapos din naman ang lahat. Sabi nga ni Paolo Coelho sa The Pilgrimage (c1987),  

"Human beings are the only ones in nature who are aware that they will die... Still, being fragile creatures, humans always try to hide from themselves the certainty that they will die. They do not see that it is death itself that motivates them to do the best things in their lives... They do not see that with an awareness of death, they would be able to be even more daring to go much further in their daily conquests, because then they would have nothing to lose - for death  is inevitable."

So let's live. Let's love. Let us enjoy the moments, even the not so good ones. Tutal, dun din naman natin nakikilala ng husto yung sarili natin eh. Parang sa Ferris Wheel lang din kung saan natututo tayo na meron pala tayong fear of heights, and nakakapag-strategize tayo how to control our body to react para di na tayo masyado natatakot and nagpi-freeze every time we approach that crucial turn. I-enjoy natin yung ride. Afterwards, sakay pa tayo ng ibang rides :)

Phobic: Fear no. 1 - The fear of being misunderstood

“Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear you.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have had the chance to have some continuous quiet in my life recently. It has forced me to do some serious reflection.

I realized that my past, most especially the last three years, has been greatly defined by fear - the fear of being misunderstood by people who I have great respect for, and also by those who I love most. It is true that because of them, I have achieved so much. However, it is also true that because I hold their opinions in very high regard, I have allowed myself to be confined to a life that is defined by what they expect, what they deem respectable, and what they regard as important based on their values and other similar criteria. In so wanting to make them proud and also, to keep their affection and trust, I have lived by their rules. They, in effect, have defined my life. I have allowed them to.

There is actually nothing wrong with it except that my life is not theirs to begin with. It is mine. And even with my consent, it still feels like I have done a misdeed. I have cruelly tricked myself into believing that I was in control but all along, I have allowed my fear to prevent me from  living a more fulfilling life. One proof is how I have kept myself from writing, especially these last three years. I have been so afraid of being misunderstood that I have kept my opinions and beliefs and my dreams and my plans to myself. I have chosen to disregard how writing is actually a celebration of my own life and that it doesn't really matter what other people may think. It is because no matter how much people like or hate me, in the end, they will still think and feel as they would like to, and there is really nothing that I can do about that. They will just react and judge because it is human nature to do so. In the end, what I write will still be about me and my life and only those who love me very, very much will ever really give a shit about it.

There will always be things that I will be afraid of. I just don't want my fears to keep me from living the life that I want and would like to deserve.

Aside from living without affecting anyone or anything, I fear being unloved most of all. But as I am learning with love, even when people cannot understand me, the ones who really love me stay. It is never a question of whether I deserve what they have and would like to give to me because their love alone has justified it already. And should they decide that I am unworthy, God redeems. I will always be precious to God and be loved by Him, no matter what.

MMK: Malamang Magsisisi Ka (kung maalaala mo pa nga)

Kanina mo pa paulit-ulit na inuumpog ang ulo mo sa pader. Pakshet talaga! Nakanangputcha! PI! Shet! Letse! Lahat na yata ng mura nasabi mo na. Pero bakit ganun? Nag-pipilit pa ring sumingit at umalingawngaw sa utak mo ang mga salitang sobrang nakakasakit sa yo. Wala ka na halos maramdaman sa parteng inuumpog mo, pero sa loob ng puso mo, ang sakit-sakit pa rin. Dapat yata ginagawa nang teleserye ang buhay mo sa sobrang makabagbag-damdamin.

Parekoy, I so feel you! Pero puwede ba, itigil mo na yang dramang "I deserve to die, nobody cares"?! Hindi naman talaga titigil ang ikot ng mundo dahil lang pakiramdam mo lahat ng problema at kasawian sa buhay nasa balikat mo. Kung gusto mo, isulat mo at ipadala ang kuwento mo sa MMK, malamang madami pa ang makikisimpatiya at mai-inspire. Pero kung puro suicide at pagkasira ng buhay mo ang naiisip mong gawin AT AYAW MO PAPIGIL, 'eto ang 20 pesos. Sige, bili ka na ng blade. At tandaan, ang laslas ay pa-horizontal ha, para wakwak talaga lahat ng importanteng veins. Para wala ka na talagang second chance. Masakit ka sa bangs! Ang toxic mo! Malamang nga tama ka niyan na the world would be better off without you. 

Kung bakit kasi, dapat yang buhay mo, since di mo naman kayang pahalagahan at ipaglaban maski sa  sarili mo, ipina-raffle na lang sa mga gusto pa mabuhay na cancer patients. O kaya yung mga naging biktima ng Tsunami sa Japan. O kaya yung mga nabaon sa mga nagdaang mega-earthquakes. O kaya kay Steve Jobs na lang. Sayang eh. Akalain mo'ng sa sinuwerte-suwerte mo, minalas pa ang mundo sa 'yo kasi uber feel mo na "Gosh, I am such a loser!"

Tara, tama na muna yang drama mo. Sumama ka muna sa akin sa PGH. Punta tayo dun sa ER. Isa-isahin natin ang mga naghihingalo dun na bawat segundo ng hininga ay pinahahalagahan. Tapos, punta tayo sa Children's Ward. Pakuwento ka tungkol sa pangarap sa buhay ng mga batang hindi na tatanda dahil sa terminal cases na sila. Makipaglaro tayo kasama ng mga batang kamukha na ni Gollum sa putla at wala nang mga buhok pero kayang-kaya pa rin tumawa sa galak dahil sa mga simpleng bagay tulad ng pagbibigay mo ng panahon na makasama sila. Nakaka-iyak ba? Nakaka-relate ka?

Ang gusto ko lang maintindihan mo, una, hindi lang ikaw ang nasasaktan. Hindi lang ikaw ang may dinaramdam. At gaano man kalala sa tingin mo ang mga nangyayari sa yo ngayon, siguradong sa laki ng mundo at sa dami  ng tao, may mga mas malala pang mga problema at pasanin kaysa diyan at masuwerte ka dahil hindi sa iyo ang mga problemang iyon.

Pangalawa, dapat maintindihan mo na ang problema, natatapos at natatapos din para lang mapalitan nang panibagong problema - panibagong challenge. Kailangan kasi yan ng lahat ng tao para matuto, para mas madiskubre kung ano pa ang kakayanin nating gawin, at gaano pa ba katatag ang ating mga loob sa harap ng pagsubok. Parte yan ng buhay eh kaya wag mo masyado dibdibin.

Pangatlo, pahalagahan mo ang buhay mo. Iisa lang yan. Hindi yan nabibili. Ibinigay yan sa yo ng Diyos na biyaya kaya magpasalamat ka at gamitin mo ng maayos hindi lang para mapasaya ang sarili mo kung di pati na rin ang kapwa mo. Marami ang gusto pa mabuhay pero di na pinagbibigyan kaya masuwerte ka kasi madami pa ang oras mo mag-enjoy.

Pang-apat, habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Habang may buhay, madami pa ang puwede mangyari. Napanuod mo ba yung last second 3-point shoot na video sa Youtube na nagbago ng takbo ng isang basketball championship? Kaya wag ka magpakamatay. Pag nagpakamatay ka, iiyak lang at makiki-kape at magsusugal ang mga tao sa paligid mo sa loob ng isang linggo pero tuloy pa rin ang buhay para sa kanila. Pagkalibing mo, kung may magpapa-party ng bongga, mag-iinuman at magkakainan at magsasaya pa rin sila. Lugi ka. Kung pipilitin mong maging survivor, magkaka-djowa ka pa ulit nang mas magmamahal sa yo, magkaka-trabaho ka pa ng mas bongga, mas madami ka pang lugar na mapupuntahan at mga taong makikilala. O  di ba, ang saya-sayang adventure?

Pang-lima, buhay mo yan. Iyo. Kaya responsibilidad mong ayusin, hindi responsibilidad ng mundo o nang ibang tao. Proof? Kasalanan ba ng mundo na nagdudugo na 'yang bumbunan mo? Bakit, sino bang nag-umpog sa yo? Kaninong ulo ba yan? Lumalabas na nagdesisyon kang saktan ang sarili mo, at pumayag kang saktan ka ng sarili mo. Doble-dobleng atraso mo sa sarili mo, hehe.

Pang-anim, lahat naman ng nilalang namamatay. Bakit ka ba nagmamadali umeskapo sa mundo? At paraan pa ng duwag ang napili mong style ng pag-exit, huh? Duh!

Kaya nga dapat, di mo inuubos oras mo sa pagpipintura ng dugo mo diyan sa pader nyo. Lalangawin pa yan bukas pag natuyo na, mahirap linisin. Tama na muna ang emote, okay? Ito Php 65.00, bili tayo RH grande....

How long is one lifetime?

"In a real way, eternity is merely the living of one human lifetime after another...." - (Marius), The Vampire Lestat, Anne Rice

My personal belief is that we all have but one eternity to live, and several lifetimes to decide on what should we live for.

It used to be that one lifetime for me is equivalent to two years - a span of time enough to complete the cycles of new  to fading friendships, and the inception and resolution of personal issues. Lately, I found that, in direct proportion to the number of real people that one gets to meet as one gets older, the period of one such cycle also diminishes. One lifetime for me now is as short as two months - two months to meet new people, two months to heal my heart and pride of both real and imagined wounds, two months of reaching out, two months of life-changing experiences, two months of deciding for the next lifetime, two months of chances. I do not decide on the length of time. It is actually just a noticeable cycle in my life where, guided by my heart, I become aware of the time limits given for me to take stock of things and decide if I will let the experiences of my current lifetime affect that of my next one, either for the worse or for the better.

The point is, same as everyone else, I do not have forever. I only have one eternity to spend into as many lifetimes as I could to make that one mark,  to fulfill that one purpose that I was born to do. For most of us, it is so hard to just keep going forward because we are only humans with very fragile hearts and so much more fragile egos that tend to hurt so much so fast yet heal so slowly. I do that too. I cannot help but linger at times. I usually present an outward facade that has undergone "renovations", the picture of a person that has moved on, but inside, I still cry nights and gets terribly affected by people and events and even the silliest things.  And I am guilty of these even if I so want to really move on. So how do I deal? How do I convince myself that one lifetime is over?

I deal by striving to become as fully aware of my life as I can. I list down all my options - both the easy and the difficult ones. And then, as corny as it is, I do interview my heart. I ask it about the things that it wants, the things that it needs, the things that will make it happy, the things that it is willing to do or to sacrifice and for what price, the things that will help it embody the words "fulfilled" and "happy" and "joy" and "love." And then, to close things, I write. I reach out. Then regardless of whether I have been understood or not, I force myself to move on and do what needs to be done, and try to just keep taking that next step forward.

Whenever I wallow in destructive self-pity, my heart has a tendency to just choose to go numb in the middle of being submerged in feeling. It is easier to get lost in my emotions while the days speed by and the world continue to spin uncaring. I fight back and reclaim my life and my sanity by making the effort to remember that my life only gets shorter with each day I spend hanging on to everything that was important and dear and that has been torn from me because life itself has decided that I deserve something grander.

How long is one lifetime then? For me, the period itself does not matter. It is what happens during that period that counts. If I did my best to rise up against the difficulties and the hurt so I could share my life with others and inspire and give joy, then it is a lifetime well-spent, and an eternity that just keeps getting better.

1:51 AM 11/12/2011